Can't help but wonder 'what if'...

2004 was a tough year for us. Really tough. Everyone remembers March 12th, the day of our housefire. Even now, four years later, it is still brought up in conversation every now and again. The worst part of the year for me, however, was that on October 21st I had a miscarriage. No one mentions it, I honestly don't even know if people remember it, but every year Chad and I talk about it and remember our little angel.
Would we have had a boy or a girl? Would he/she have looked like the others or had their own individual features? Would she have slept well? Eaten well? Liked to play in outside like Ben or inside like Rachel? Would he have had physical problems? Emotional ones? Obviously there were severe problems, and it was for the best that things happened the way they did, but every year my mind gets filled with questions and I think of all the things I missed out on with my angel baby. Rubbing noses, lullabies, having her fingers wrapped around mine. I miss you little one! We will never forget you!

Rachel's hair

Rachel's hair has been somewhat of an issue the past few years. At the age of 2 she had beautiful long curls which framed her face and were the envy of many. At the age of 3 she decided to take scissors to them and cut them off.....on the left side. *shakes head* I will never forget walking in to find all those beautiful curls spread out around her on the floor. I took her to the hairdresser and they turned her into a Buster Brown look-alike. Not a good look for her. At all. Sooooooo.........into the car we went, over to the other hairdresser in town, where the very talented owner did what she could to salvage things. She looked like Jaime Lee Curtis. (Which, in the grand scheme of things is 100% better than Buster Brown but Boo Hoo!! The curls!

So it is now three years later and she has finally decided to grow it out again and only get her bangs cut. She had discovered hair clips, the curling iron and braids. I don't know if it will ever get as long again, and the curls have never fully come back, but she has gorgeous naturally highlighted hair. As you can see from the photo, it curls wonderfully. Yesterday she pulled it back into clips and last Friday she went to school with two french braids. It is fun to finally see her experimenting and enjoying something that she wanted short for so long. Welcome back!

Sixteen years

Wow- Sixteen years. Married, that is. 23 years together in all. It really doesn't seem possible! I think we make a pretty good looking couple, if I do say so myself. Over that time we have lived at 2 addresses, had 5 dogs, 4 cats and 3 children LOL. We have had our ups and downs, been prosperous and been money poor. We have survived a house fire and a miscarriage and are closer for it. I can't imagine being with anyone else. He can read my mind, puts up with my moods, and knows just how to rub my back and neck to make it all better. He does housework and watches the kids, supports my endeavors (with some grumbling, but he does) and he is the most caring and honest man I know. He loves us and works hard to support us. Everything he does is done with his family in mind. He is my McGyver. He is my world.

Kit Kat

My kitty is missing. He disappeared 4 days ago and I truly miss him. We have another cat (his twin sister) and the dog and , of course the kids, but it is amazing how much of a place he held in our lives. I didn't realize that he held to a pretty strict schedule of going out and coming in until I started glancing around for him at certain times of the day. I growled when he insisted on sleeping at the head of the bed between our pillows but now miss his presence dearly. He was mister 'fiercely independent' until he wanted to be scratched and then he would stretch out and keep coming back for more. He gave the dog a run for his money and always kept everyone in line but loved to snuggle. He was beautiful- majestic. One of the prettiest cats I know. My kitty is missing- and it has left a big hole in my heart. I love you Kit Kat!

Rebecca

My baby is growing up. She sits, rolls over, plays peek-a-boo herself with a blanket, she can say mama and dada, she puts her index finger to her lips and goes "blah-blah-blah-blah-blah" by rubbing it up and down against her mouth (which is hysterical BTW!) and she loves to stand up. Loves it! She will turn over and push against you to slide off your lap and just stand there between your feet. To big already! She has outgrown the Bumbo, her swing and her "bucket" carseat. The exersaucer and jumperoo are soon to follow, I think. Makes me kinda sad to see her growing so fast, but at the same time I just love being able to interact with her. My baby!

Another project

My daughter is amazing. She is cute and smart and she makes me scream and want to pull my hair out and I wouldn't trade her for the world! I just love her. She is an artist. She is 6. She loves to do "projects". This is her latest one-- it is a bonsaii tree!

She watched How It's Made on TV last night with her dad and they showed an artist making a fake bonsaii tree. He made a plaster base, then covered it with strips of paper, painted it, added the leaves, and then glued moss around the base to make it look lifelike. So this morning Rachel took her brother's boot, wrapped it up in toilet paper, painted it to look like bark, added green for the moss and then went out to collect twigs and stones to make it look like a tree.

She is the best! How can you not love that!?

He's serious!

DH wants to have another child! I am in complete and utter shock. When I was dating him he was never going to get married (so we broke up until he realized what a great catch I was and proposed)......then we were never going to have children. He had a crappy childhood and didn't trust himself to be a good parent so no kids. That was the rule. We were married 10 yrs. then I got pregnant with Rachie. Now I am old and tired and falling apart and he wants to keep going!>!>!>
I don't even know what to say (well, I DO know what to say--NO!) but really! Why can't guys get it together sooner??? Why wait until I am 40 to spring this sudden love of babies on me? I could just scream. This all came about because Rebecca has outgrown her swing so I have been asking around if anyone knows of someone who can use it. And he got all teary eyed and said, "Are you sure? Maybe just one more??" Speechless. I was absolutely speechless (and believe me, that doesn't happen often! LOL)
Do you know how you know that you are done and are truly satisfied with your family? I will tell you how you know. When you are really not done you still question whether you are really done or not. You tell people that you are pretty sure you are done, but there is always something in the way back crevices of your mind and in your heart that tells you not to give things away yet. When you are done, you are just done. There is a period at the end of the sentence and there is nothing more to say. No wondering, no "well...." Nothing. Just, "I am done- period." You look forward to getting rid of the exersaucer and the swing and the bucket carseat and everything else that it taking up your entire livingroom. You are done. Then he has to pull this on me?? What am I supposed to say to him? Argh! Who ever thought that I would be in the position of being the stick-in-the-mud!? Let me tell you, it was much easier when I could just blame everything on him!